"What do you mean you're out of stock?" "You must be crazy if you think I'm going to pay that much!" Retail workers are some of the most patient people in the world. They have to deal with adult-size children on a non-stop basis and they have to do it with a smile. When an adult enters a retail establishment, it's almost as though they immediately forget that they are doctors or lawyers and they revert back to the younger version of themselves that would scream and pout if they didn't get their way. As the saying goes "If I don't laugh, I'll cry", and this has never been as true as it is for the brave souls who have endured working in the service industry over the years. Here's a look at 40 ways in which retail workers are able to put a comedic twist on the trials and tribulations that they must endure on a daily basis.
1. "A Horse Walks Into A Bar..."
Working in retail, one tends to develop a rather thick skin and a low tolerance for bad jokes.
For some unknown reason, the most obvious and corny jokes are the only ones that customers tend to tell. Retail workers like to laugh as well. Come on people, tell a decent joke for a change.
2. "I Prefer To Be Alone"
There is one common denominator that all retail staff has shared in common at one point in their lives. For some, it takes longer for the effects to wear off but for others, it never does.
Working in a customer service-based job, even for a week, is enough to convince anyone that people pretty much suck.
3. "They Have This Way Of Pulling You Back In"
There are many different reasons why people start working in retail. Some do it as a primary means of earning a living and some do it just to earn a bit of extra cash. No matter what the reason might have been for initially joining the retail sector, once there it is tough to get out.
There is no escaping retail...not really. Close friends are made and there is always some reason to stick around "just another month or two".
4. "Go On Then, Ask"
All of a customer's negative inner childhood tendencies come out in full force when even the slightest thing is amiss with their experience.
It is as though they just can't come to terms with getting anything but the answer they are after. It's a classic case of "mum said no so it's time to ask dad". And if that doesn't work, it's time to send a formal complaint to corporate (child services).
5. "I'll Be Honest...I Don't Care"
Retail employees interact with many of the same customers that bartenders are forced to deal with on a regular to semi-regular basis. That might be why customers sometimes mistake the cashier at the local supermarket for their local barkeep.
Customers are more than happy to complain about how overpriced they think an item is but are rarely willing to live without their favorite package of top-quality brie cheese or the prime cuts of steak that they are eating 3 nights a week.
6. "Hold The Queue, I'll Be Right Back"
Customers have a tendency of looking down on the employees who bend over backward in order to ensure that every individual who enters their shop is given the best service possible. There are some moments, however, that level out the playing field a bit.
It doesn't take a genius to know that when going out to a store of any kind with the intention of buying something, bringing a method of payment is fairly important. Somehow, even when forgetting their wallet "Retail Karen" will find a way of belittling some poor employee.
7. "I'll Be Sure To Look Right Into That"
Just in case someone missed the memo, any time that anything happens to negatively affect a customer's experience, it is always the fault of the person who sold them the item.
Once that item leaves the store, I'm sorry, but it's no longer the store's problem. Here is the tracking number, figure it out.
8. "Wait A Second, I'm The Einstein?"
One of the best and worst things about working in retail is one's colleagues. Most of the time the staff of a retail store are like one big family, however, everyone has their days.
Everyone has their breaking point. For most people, it's when they look around and see their co-workers as nothing more than a Beavis and a bunch of Butt-Heads.
9. "It's Going To Take A Whole Lot More Than That"
In most occupations, the goal is to one day make it into upper management and be one's own boss.
In most retail and hospitality jobs, management sounds like a great idea, until a few weeks after the position is accepted.
10. "The First Day Of The Rest Of Your Life"
While going through orientation for any job, new employees spend a lot of time smiling and nodding in agreement with almost everything their new employers have to say. After all, they do want to leave a great first impression, don't they?
The first few weeks of any new job comes across as more of a re-programming of sorts than anything else. New employees are taught the way that they will be expected to act for about one-third of every day.
11. "Sorry, I Need To Take This"
While waiting in line at the local Starbucks or Subway customers can frequently be heard complaining about how much time the person ahead of them in the queue is taking or how much of a hurry they are in.
There is no better time to catch up with an old friend on the phone than when it's time to place an order. No matter how much of a hurry a customer claims that they are in, when it's their turn to approach that till it's almost as though the Time Stone has been utilized and time has been frozen.
12. "But It's Only 2:30 AM"
A common misconception that people tend to have about some places is that if there is still an employee inside, they must still be open.
Once closed, it takes too much time and effort to set everything up again. Closed means closed. Some customers can't seem to comprehend that the world does not tick on their time.
13. "BOSCO"
There have always been and will always be the customers who protect their PIN numbers as though their lives depend on them. Even when there are no other customers in the queue.
It's ok, not every retail worker is out to empty their customer's bank accounts. Even if they were, there are much easier ways of doing so without someone's pin these days...
14. "Why Me?"
Regular customers tend to speak to the employees at the local shop as though they moonlight as therapists, always ready to open up about the problems they are going through in their personal lives. This would be fine if there were not a queue of 10 very frustrated-looking customers behind them.
When getting ready to pour one's soul out to the barista at the coffee shop, please keep in mind that they don't make nearly enough money to listen to other people's problems.
15. "That's Rubbish!"
In kindergarten, we learned that when we were done playing with the blocks, they needed to go back into the big bucket where we took them from. Cleaning up after ourselves is something that most of us have been doing since the time we were small children.
It's not very hard to clean up after one's self. I have seen videos of actual chimpanzees throwing rubbish into bins, but for some reason, people find it difficult to pick up their own rubbish and throw it away on their way out of the store. It's ridiculous, there usually rubbish bins everywhere in fast-food restaurants.
16. "True? No False! No, Wait, True! What Was The Question?"
Someone who works in the retail industry pretty much has to stand in the same place for 8-12 hours a day and ask the same questions over and over again to people who are very rarely paying attention to them.
Some individuals are simply overwhelmed by all of the options available to them and some just don't know what the heck is going on. Either way, it usually leads to a bit of a laugh in an otherwise monotonous day.
17. "Am I Even Here? Can They See Me?"
Retail staff members don't just say hi to customers because they have to. Sometimes it's because they have been standing around waiting for a customer to come in for a very long time, and they're just happy to see someone other than their co-worker.
It doesn't take much effort to acknowledge that someone exists. Don't even say hi back, fine, a simple head nod or wave will do just fine.
18. "Bet Ya Won't Be Doing That Again"
A cashier doesn't extend their arm with their hand palm up and open in hopes of being "slipped a little skin" or having their palm read.
This is usually followed up with the "let's see how you like it" look, as the cashier places the customer's change the counter next to their outstretched hand.
19. "Happy? Holidays"
Rain or shine, weekend or holiday retail staff are always there, and usually have smiles on their faces. They work hard all year round to make sure that every customer is as satisfied as possible, so one would think that it should be rather understandable when an establishment closes early in order for its staff to celebrate the holidays as well.
Customers tend to forget that retail workers are people as well. As much as they enjoy looking after other people's families on a nightly basis, I'm certain they could think of something better to do than to wait on others until midnight on Christmas Eve for 4 bucks an hour and a five-dollar tip.
20. "Don't Ask Me, I Just Work Here"
Most of the time the people who are stocking the shelves don't know much more than where to find the items that they are stocking. Like any other business, believe it or not, retail also has multiple positions with varying levels of importance.
Don't get angry if a staff member doesn't know all the fine details about their job. Not everyone who works in retail knows everything about where they work.
21. "Mid-Week Drinks Anyone?"
The end of the workweek is a joyous time for everyone...everyone who actually gets to have a weekend.
While all of their friends and family are taking a few days off together on the weekend every week, retail workers usually end up with two random days off in the middle of the week.
22. "Only 4 Cups A Day?"
Believe it or not, not all retail workers LOVE their jobs. Some actually do the jobs because they have no other choice. But just like everyone else, retail workers also depend on coffee to give them the kick they need to get their day going.
Very few people are ever THAT excited to be in the service industry. Although they may seem bubbly and energetic, try not to mistake that with genuine passion for their work.
23. "Time To Call It A Day"
When an employee first agrees to work a double shift it seems like a good idea. As the first of the two shifts come to an end a second wind hits as the employee thinks of the financial benefits of putting themselves through this exhausting day. Finally, it's time to clock out, but as they do a transformation takes place within every retail worker who has just finished pulling a double...
With the first step out of the shop, the smile magically disappears from their faces. Next, the pace at which they walk slows to that of a sloth and their eyes begin to droop. The 10-minute walk home feels like it takes an hour. As soon as they arrive they let their feet out of the cages that have beheld them for what feels like an eternity and then the reality of tomorrow's shift kicks in.
24. "I'm Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Stayin' Alive"
Everyone goes through stretches at work where it seems like the next day off will never arrive. When those times arise, it's time to take a page out of Ferris Bueller's book.
Some people have gotten extremely creative and gone to extraordinary lengths in order to be convincing enough to get away with a much-needed day of r&r, without needing proof of a doctor's note.
25. "Fresh Meat"
Showing a new co-worker around is a job that is usually reserved for veteran staff members. People who have been around awhile and know the ins and outs of the workplace.
Everyone has their quiet place at work where they go in order to clear their mind. Some have a smoke, some scream into a pillow, and some just sit and cry for a few minutes...uh, the retail life.
26. "Sleeping In The Back Office"
There is only one thing worse than being asked to pull a double. It usually only happens by accident, when there are no other options, or when whoever is making the schedule has a personal vendetta against a colleague. No, it's not a triple. It's the dreaded clopen!
Having the closing shift in the evening and then the opening shift the next day can be a blessing and a curse. Everything would be set up just right for the morning, and some of the morning's tasks could even have been done the evening before by the past version of ourselves, however, running on little-to-no sleep takes its toll on the body.
27. "I Didn't Even See Them Coming"
There is some truth to every joke, if a new co-worker jokes about some horrible experience with a manager or a psychotic co-worker it's probably best to consider one's self forewarned.
However sweet a co-worker appears to be while with customers, the real them is not truly revealed until someone accidentally misplaces something of theirs or uses their pen without asking.
28. "Why Does My BLT Have Bacon In It?"
There are so many questions that one is faced with during the day, but sometimes THAT question is asked that causes the "retail" persona to go away for just a moment.
There are few employees who see more customers every day than retail employees, and as a result of this, retailers meet quite a few individuals who are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. Every now and again they meet "The One" who takes the cake for being a future "Darwin Award" winner.
29. "I'm Sorry, Was Everything TOO Perfect?"
In the customer service industry, the employees usually work for tips. That said, if they don't give exceptional service all the time, they worry that they might not be able to earn enough money to make ends meet.
If a waiter comes to the table during a meal in order to ask how things are going, just be polite, they are not trying to bother anyone. They are just trying to ensure a phenomenal dining experience for their customers, in order to make a living for themselves.
30. "And The Oscar Goes To..."
It's a good thing that a large percentage of retail workers have, at one point in their lives, probably had aspirations to be in the entertainment industry of some kind or another.
A lot of those who work in customer service are actually very quiet away from work. Talking all day can be exhausting, especially when it's to people we don't like very much.
31. "That's Not What I Would Call Taking One For The Team"
A true sign of poor management is when the satisfaction of one customer is more important than the loyalty and hard work of a trusted employee.
In order to save face with a customer, most management staff are willing to throw their team members under the bus, no matter how wrong the customer was or how right the staff member was.
32. "Oh, Did You?"
Customers who explain that they know the proper way that something should have been done because they used to work in retail, are pretty much the only thing worse than when customers put their money right on the counter instead of into the outstretched hand of the cashier. "And no, there is no discount because you used to work at a branch on the other side of the country...5 years ago."
If they know how things should be, why aren't they doing them? It might be time for "Retail Karen" to open up her own shop and show us all how it's done.
33. "See Ya. Wouldn't Want To Be Ya"
When an unruly customer finally lets it be known, after berating an unsuspecting staff member for 20 minutes, that they will not be returning, there's only one thing left for management to say...
Most of the time diplomacy is the appropriate route, however, not everyone knows how to treat people and everyone has their limits.
34. "Top-Notch Service"
It truly does seem as though customers try to start arguments with staff members in hopes that the staff member will snap and start screaming at them. That way they could claim that they were mistreated and demand free stuff.
Most customers underestimate how much crap retail employees can take. It is their job to smile and nod in every circumstance. And when that doesn't work they get the manager, who happens to be an expert in passive-aggressive politeness.
35. "That Dog's Got A Puffy Tail!"
One of the negative aspects of working in retail is that one has to be inside for most of the day, which means when a customer has an adorable dog waiting outside, it's time to go ninja.
The first step is letting the supervisor know that there is a washroom emergency, then, don't get caught.
36. "I'm Kind Of A Big Deal Around Here"
Whether restaurant or retail, every shop has at least one staff member who has been working there for what seems like their entire life.
They know all the twists and turns of the job and all the shortcuts that help make the job easier and the shift go by quicker. The only problem is, they also have a way of connecting to staff whom they have chosen to join them...trapped for all eternity in the retail world.
37. "WTF Are You Talking About"
Working together for 8-12 hours a day, 3-5 days a week for a few years, co-workers get to know a great deal about each other...sometimes, too much about each other.
Every now and again, however, someone will say something that makes everyone else wonder how they have made it this far in life.
38. "You Again!"
While working in retail, employees tend to develop a certain, let's say...disdain, for some of the establishment's patrons.
It doesn't matter how much someone might grind the gears of a store clerk, service must still be given, but that doesn't mean that some elaborate James Bond-esque plot is not being concocted in order to gain personal victory one day.
39. "Say My Name, Say My Name"
A "telephone tough guy" is a customer who is not brave enough to complain in person but is more than happy to call and complain about the service that they received.
Answering the phone when a customer is calling to complain about their experience can lead to a very frustrating few minutes, except of course if they are complaining about the person who answered the phone. In that case...let the games begin!
40. "Nope, I Just Like The Hat"
Usually, not always, but usually, it is rather obvious who the employees in a retail store are. They are usually the ones dressed the same and with the company's logo on their shirt.
Trembling with fear as their voices quake, customers always come across as though they are nervous about saying the wrong thing when they ask an employee if they work there. If someone is wearing a bright blue and yellow shirt that says "Best Buy" on it, just go up and ask for help...if they don't work there, then they are clearly big enough Best Buy fans that they could still be of use.